I was all ready to call March 31st a disaster of a day, because a paper I wrote got a C, and a speech I gave was missing twenty seconds of content. Honestly, I don’t know what I was ready to jump to such a hasty conclusion.
March 31st was a great day, perhaps with rough lessons. It was beautiful outside: but the paper I wrote was in dire need of focus. The campus was alive with the sounds of spring: but if I spoke more slowly during the speech, I wouldn’t have missed an entire paragraph. I had the ingredients to make Cosmopolitans: but it wasn’t a great idea to drink on a Monday night. I went to a New York Times event about the Arab Spring: but realized I was more interested in the topic than the journalism students I was surrounded by.
I’m identifying a pattern wherein I focus on the negatives way too often. So I started to write a paper, a revision of the C-grade submission, where I look at my life as if it was a Garden. In thinking about my life as a collection of flowers and cacti, rich fruits and beautiful trees, there’s a certain peace of mind that comes with that metaphor. Life becomes a series of things you tend to, people you take care of, beautiful things you leave behind. What I handed in to my professor was a collection of dark thoughts, the bad things I think about myself all too often, and I feel terrible for making him read that.
I can get deep into my life and stay optimistic, and the idea that by getting pessimistic I was somehow getting to the heart of my existence was immature. I don’t think it was intentional by any means, because I think I had this idea that Autobiographers told their deepest darkest secrets, and that’s what made them special. But this is a feedback loop if I ever heard one right? I’m upset and negative, about the fact that I wrote an upsetting and negative piece of autobiographical work.
So I sit down, and read about Agaves. I sit down and read Amy Stewart’s “The Drunken Botanist” and I’m taken away from my funk, and placed into a greenhouse. Somehow that helps a lot. Somehow plants help and… that makes me happy and confused, and I look forward to exploring that in a paper that’s going to get an A grade.