The Ring Is Broken

Yesterday I dropped my Lapis Lazuli band on the floor, and it shattered into six pieces. I had that Lapis Lazuli band since October. I wore it every day since October. Losing it sucked. Losing it destroyed me in the moment, and the hours to come. Here was this thing that was a part of me for almost an entire year, and now it was in pieces. I wanted to cry, but I was at work; and when I was left alone the time had passed and I could not find the tears.

I went to a jeweler to see what he could do. Could the ring be welded back together? Could silver piece together the broken Lapis Lazuli? No, not without spending hundreds of dollars. But the jeweler did offer something to me, unintentionally – his words.

“Oh no,” he said as I have him the shards of Lapis, “how’d this happen?”

Before I could explain how I dropped the ring, he answered for me.

“Life happened, huh? It broke because you were just living.”

Yes. There was comfort there. Ultimately, I was being very sentimental about this ring that, quite frankly, I was very lucky to have for so many months without breaking – and that it broke was no freak accident, but just, life. If I have nice things like rings of Lapis Lazuli, then by living life, I’m going to break or lose nice things.

So mote it be.

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What’s Up? (12/21/15)

No, Really
This may go down as one of the most turbulent months for me, as far as my feelings on things have gone. I look at that post on the 1st about taking care of myself and I think that I’ve been making excuses. The reality is that I crashed pretty hard this month. I only did three 40-minute exercise routines the whole month so far. I don’t feel that great all the time. I spend a lot of time in my apartment napping because I feel tired. Eating poorly isn’t a way to feed my soul and “giving myself a gift” it’s ultimately just because I don’t feel great and I want the cheapest, fastest, gratification, even if it’s not healthy.

All Downs Have Ups
Turbulence goes both ways though. As much as some moments this month sucked and left me feeling stressed or depressed, there were others where I felt top of my game. The work Christmas Dinner, singing Warren G with P, street noodles, and an unconscionable amount of wine… A walk through Squirrel Hill where I discovered a place where I could see Downtown Pittsburgh. That time I stayed home from work and saw a rainbow stretch across Squirrel Hill?

Packaging Time
Time is moving so fast. I cannot believe Christmas is in four short days. And this speed of life makes it so easy to lose track of things. The whole point of this blog is to keep track of things because otherwise I’d forget myself.

“How have things been?”
“I don’t know… let me check.”

Especially in this mode of operation where my mood swings and things can change so quickly… I feel like this month I’ve probably done a disservice by listing so much positive when it’s really more mixed. I wouldn’t package December as a 100% great month, you know?

What’s Up? (10/31/15)

Exercise Update

Out of the last 13 days, I’ve followed my exercise plan 9 times. Each of the four missing days have been Thursdays and Fridays–I suppose largely because of how ready I am to celebrate the weekend and do things, so I skip the exercise. I feel good about this. 60% completion rate isn’t bad honestly, and this might be the most thoroughly I’ve followed a plan. I can’t say what affect if any this has had really. I know morning bike rides usually start slowly and I have no urge to bike, but by the end of the 10 minutes I wake up pretty thoroughly. We’ll see where I’m at a week from now, but I suspect I’ll have completed 13/20 possible regiments.

Life Things

So on the whole, I’d say life is going well. Some days better than others. The Mets are down 2-1 in the World Series, which has given me mixed levels of feelings. Though I guess the World Series would just be a scapegoat if I blamed the mixed bag of emotions entirely on sports. It’s not sports. It’s feeling really accomplished on some days and then coming home to nothing. That’s what I can’t shake, this occasionally lonely feeling. I’m loving work, I get to do some really great work in Photoshop and lots of social media writing. But sometimes I come home and I just feel like “bleh.” I make dinner, watch videos on the internet for hours, and go to bed. But it’s complicated. Like I have a very high opinion of myself I would say, like I’m happy with the things I’m doing, who I am. I just feel like I don’t have enough people to share life with right now? Seeing friends just on the weekends isn’t enough, I realize, and I’m now thinking about how when I lived with three roommates, and had classes, I’d see friends all the time. This is all very dramatically written I suppose. I think it would help if I got myself to Oakland more often, dropped into Pitt events and stuff. I don’t know. Things are weird. Things are good, and things are weird.

What’s Up? (3/22/15)

Silent
I went silent since the day before spring break. A lot of good has happened so, where were the journal entries? I didn’t talk about break, going to the city, or finally seeing Bjork (an idol of mine). And when I got back to Pittsburgh it was a good time too, so what gives?

Sick
So, funny thing is, a month ago exactly–the same shit happened. Life is going well, then wham, sore throat, stuffy nose… suddenly I feel like death and everything falls apart. Well, nothing falls apart, but the energy it takes to keep it all together increases greatly. The energy it takes to wake up, go to class, go to clubs, be productive, be alive… so much more energy is expended and the result is exhausting. It got to my head, took a toll on my mood, like a light bout of… I dressed less well, was openly miserable, it sucked! Nothing I can do about it though, there is no magic bullet for the cold. I’m fighting, you know? Allergy medication, headache stuff, NyQuil… I got a humidifier running beside me with Vicks stuff in it to soothe my nose, and to help keep my lips from drying out…

Sleep
Sleep may be the worst hostage from this whole damn cold. Both nostrils are plugged, I can’t breathe from them, so I wake up periodically gasping for water because my tongue has gone dry, my lips are cracked and shrunken–and when I do get to the water it’s never enough…. So basically the one thing everyone says you need to get better “Just a bit of rest!” is the number one, least enjoyable, maybe most painful thing of all. My lips are so dried out and ripped up, I feel like a monster, it’s so bad.

Sadsack
So not everything been bad, and there’s been quite a lot of good since (3/5/15) but how the hell am I supposed to want to sit down and write about the good when I’ve been feeling nothing but misery? Maybe next week when, gods willing, I get better, I’ll tell you all about the good.

What’s Up? (2/23/15)

Euphoric Wave Over
Getting sick sucks, but getting sick during the middle of an emotional peak sucks even more. Right when everything feels like it’s going best for you, when you’re a social explosion high on parties, sex, and alcohol, that’s when it sucks the most to be taken down by a cold. A goddamn cold, sore throat, snotty, cold.

I stayed inside all of Friday (2/20/15) and Sunday (2/22/15) and that makes me feel like garbage. I hate being bedridden. I was productive indoors, sure, and I had an alright time with my roommates but–it’s nothing compared to being up and outside. When I stay indoors or relatively locked-in my apartment, it can feel like I’m not there at all.

So in a way I think being sick helped me a little bit because I realized how much I thrive on going outside, being around people, being social, having drinks and having good times. Schmooze it or lose it, you know what I’m saying?

What’s Up? (10/1/14)

I’m halfway through the sixth week of this semester, which isn’t exactly an important statement, or relevant to what I want to talk about, but something I wanted to say.

The pothos I bought to replace my snake plant is dying at an incredibly fast rate. I’m not panicking about it. I have a line of fake plants that I’m looking at to replace it. Plastic doesn’t die, and it’s not important that the plant be a living thing, only that it adds green to the room.

I realized that I’ve been getting compliments for the watches I’ve been wearing, and my outfits in general recently – and I realized that I had accomplished one of my goals from the What’s Up? of (7/21/14), which is to create color coordinated outfits. This made me happy.

I think a lot of things are making me happy actually, though I get super side-tracked by stress and anxiety. What am I doing writing this? It feels like a waste of time. I feel so cheesy but, I want to say some things that are making me happy: I haven’t bought anything on Amazon in quite some time. GAH. Why does that make me feel better? I went to bed before 1AM yesterday. BLEH. I mean, my goodness. For things that are making me feel good, I sure feel like an idiot for writing those down. This blog isn’t a pity party, certainly. I mean I write things that aren’t just lists of complaints and things bothering me. I think I try to be positive here. And for what it’s worth, there’s plenty of things like, media reviews. There’s categories for stuff.

What’s up today on October 1st is that I’m feeling good, and weird. As I said last night at CWO: I’m in good spirits, but my body is exhausted. Right now, I’m excited to go make lunch (at 4 PM) but my shoulders feel sore, and even though I’m well rested, the bed calls for me. I guess the best metaphor for what’s going on right now is: I like where I’m going, and I like where I am, but steering this ship is exhausting.

 

April Fools’

I was all ready to call March 31st a disaster of a day, because a paper I wrote got a C, and a speech I gave was missing twenty seconds of content. Honestly, I don’t know what I was ready to jump to such a hasty conclusion.

March 31st was a great day, perhaps with rough lessons. It was beautiful outside: but the paper I wrote was in dire need of focus. The campus was alive with the sounds of spring: but if I spoke more slowly during the speech, I wouldn’t have missed an entire paragraph. I had the ingredients to make Cosmopolitans: but it wasn’t a great idea to drink on a Monday night. I went to a New York Times event about the Arab Spring: but realized I was more interested in the topic than the journalism students I was surrounded by.

I’m identifying a pattern wherein I focus on the negatives way too often. So I started to write a paper, a revision of the C-grade submission, where I look at my life as if it was a Garden. In thinking about my life as a collection of flowers and cacti, rich fruits and beautiful trees, there’s a certain peace of mind that comes with that metaphor. Life becomes a series of things you tend to, people you take care of, beautiful things you leave behind. What I handed in to my professor was a collection of dark thoughts, the bad things I think about myself all too often, and I feel terrible for making him read that.

I can get deep into my life and stay optimistic, and the idea that by getting pessimistic I was somehow getting to the heart of my existence was immature. I don’t think it was intentional by any means, because I think I had this idea that Autobiographers told their deepest darkest secrets, and that’s what made them special. But this is a feedback loop if I ever heard one right? I’m upset and negative, about the fact that I wrote an upsetting and negative  piece of autobiographical work.

So I sit down, and read about Agaves. I sit down and read Amy Stewart’s “The Drunken Botanist” and I’m taken away from my funk, and placed into a greenhouse. Somehow that helps a lot. Somehow plants help and… that makes me happy and confused, and I look forward to exploring that in a paper that’s going to get an A grade.