This may go down as one of the most turbulent months for me, as far as my feelings on things have gone. I look at that post on the 1st about taking care of myself and I think that I’ve been making excuses. The reality is that I crashed pretty hard this month. I only did three 40-minute exercise routines the whole month so far. I don’t feel that great all the time. I spend a lot of time in my apartment napping because I feel tired. Eating poorly isn’t a way to feed my soul and “giving myself a gift” it’s ultimately just because I don’t feel great and I want the cheapest, fastest, gratification, even if it’s not healthy.
All Downs Have Ups
Turbulence goes both ways though. As much as some moments this month sucked and left me feeling stressed or depressed, there were others where I felt top of my game. The work Christmas Dinner, singing Warren G with P, street noodles, and an unconscionable amount of wine… A walk through Squirrel Hill where I discovered a place where I could see Downtown Pittsburgh. That time I stayed home from work and saw a rainbow stretch across Squirrel Hill?
Time is moving so fast. I cannot believe Christmas is in four short days. And this speed of life makes it so easy to lose track of things. The whole point of this blog is to keep track of things because otherwise I’d forget myself.
“How have things been?”
“I don’t know… let me check.”
Especially in this mode of operation where my mood swings and things can change so quickly… I feel like this month I’ve probably done a disservice by listing so much positive when it’s really more mixed. I wouldn’t package December as a 100% great month, you know?
The week of (4/6) to (4/12) was good. The weekend was particularly filled with things I enjoy: like Formula One, Game of Thrones, drinking gin, being productive, getting busy (wink, nod, move on), and having a relaxing outdoor dinner with my significant other.
The week of (4/13) to (4/19) was less good. I felt lots of stress piling on. Graduation, apartment hunting, job hunting, and finals week pushed me to a rock-bottom mindset. The good thing was that I basically bottomed out by Wednesday (4/15) and after that things have been much better.
Now, it’s Sunday (4/19) at 2:40 AM. I’m done writing one of two final papers. I’m back in the swing of things. I’m excited to graduate. I’m excited for the Bahrain Grand Prix in eight hours. I’m excited for Game of Thrones. I’m excited to see my s.o. one last time before the summer break.
I was knocked down for a bit, but I’m coming up. More, in detail, later. For now, we sleep, eased by sweet vodka gimlets, and the knowledge that the most important essay of my college career is now completely written, though in need of edits. It’s good enough that I deserve this little break.
Listen, it’s not finals week, but it might as well be. The final week of class has as many major assignments due as finals week. Percentage-wise, this final, 15th week of class, actually matters more than finals week. On one hand, I’m glad the weight is distributed across two weeks – this is in many ways something to be thankful for. On the other hand, having all of this work due the Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday right out of the gate from Thanksgiving break? That sucks. I spent the Saturday of Thanksgiving break basically locked in my room reading (reading Alison Bechdel, so not a total loss), and then writing all night. I woke up late on Sunday (11/30/14) in a frenzied panic trying to get my professor a well-rounded presentation as soon as possible. Then I flew back to Pittsburgh, to work some more.
I feel like the most meaningful conversations I had with my family this entire break were the ones where I was in the car, either going to or from the airport. That sucks. For what it’s worth, I’m back on Long Island in such a short time that, a bad Thanksgiving break is basically nothing to complain about. The work I’m doing right now, revising a paper from a year ago – it’s not bad work. Essay writing is my element, which works out nicely as I’ve got a lot of essay writing to do these next few days. Tonight: editing a 4,944-word paper down to a nice 2,500-word paper. At the rate I’m editing, I’m going to have to add words at some point. Tomorrow night: a brand new 2,000 words about Ellen Forney’s Marbles. The night after that? Nothing! Take a break. Enjoy hump-day… Then get back to it by editing 20-page paper about Man of Steel.
I’ve turned my blog into a day planner, not good. Not good.
My break was good, thanks for asking. Good times were had with the family; I bonded over music with my father, got into no fights with my brother, and the whole family watched home videos from 1994-1997 together. Better than average times were had with friends; I learned how hair is bleached and dyed, I played with a puppy, I had hard cider for the first time (though I still need to get my hands on some Hereford-made stuff), caught up with friends, found out where acquaintances are in life, I found out Paul Walker died while I was having my first and only slice of New York Pizza while on break, I Mario-Partied it up, and I had a very nice diner at Paddy’s Loft.
Now, into the eye of the storm. Two papers due this week. One exam. One Power Point presentation. Internship applications. Potential internship interviews. Three papers due the week after that. Two interviews left to complete for the Journalism Paper. Two final exams.
I honestly don’t know what day it is anymore. I’ve got so little time until I go back to Pittsburgh. I’m running out of time to find somebody to see Anamanaguchi with me this Friday. I’m leaving the 22nd and moving in one the 23rd. My battery is at 42%. I spent today catching up on my Showtime shows, after spending yesterday consumed with Breaking Bad. I’m trying pack my possessions early so that move-in-day isn’t so chaotic. It’s hard to pack your possessions early because putting something away now means not using it or seeing it for x amount of days. Is this as organized as this box could be? Could I fit more into this box? This box is freaking heavy.
No joke though, one box is like 90% books and shouldn’t be carried by a single person.
I either need more time or less time, but I hate this in between phase. There’s not enough time to do everything I wanted this summer, there’s too much time to just pack up and leave just yet. What’s left is this weird feeling that I don’t like. Trying to squeeze the most out of everything; making every day perfect – it just makes every day worse. It’s like squeezing the last drops out of a lemon I’d rather just toss.
Other than that, times are okay. These last days aren’t so bad in reality, just very tiring on the mind. My battery is at 37%.